💀 Climate Homicide: Count 1

Happy Saturday, it’s May 31, 2025.

Here’s today’s dose of what you signed up for.

🔥 Top Shelf Chaos

⚖️ Oil giants sued for ‘killing’ woman in heatwave. In a legal Molotov cocktail, a Washington woman is suing ExxonMobil, Chevron, and five other oil titans, blaming them for her mother’s death during the 2021 heat dome. The suit claims they knew their fossil fuel hustle would supercharge climate chaos, but chose spin over warnings. It’s the first wrongful death case tying Big Oil to a specific climate fatality, and it might crack their courtroom shield. (More)

🛠️ Trump jacks steel tariffs to 50% amid U.S. Steel-Nippon chaos. At a campaign-style rally inside a steel plant, Trump announced he’s doubling steel import tariffs, again, while hyping a hazy, half-baked deal to keep U.S. Steel “American” as Japan’s Nippon preps a $14B investment. The union’s not buying it, details are MIA, and critics say it’s protectionism with a MAGA hat. Either way, prices are going up and Trump’s planting flags in swing-state steel. (More)

🚧 Musk’s Starbase may boot residents over zoning shift. Elon’s rocket kingdom is tightening its grip, Starbase, Texas just warned residents they might “lose the right” to use their property under a new zoning map. The town, run by SpaceX insiders, is morphing into a full-blown company fiefdom, chasing legal control over land, launches, and even public roads. It’s SimCity with billion-dollar rockets, and your backyard might be in the blast zone. (More)

👀 Side-Eye Central

🥶 Québec EV buyers ghost Tesla in 85% sales collapse. Tesla’s Q1 sales in Québec just fell off a cliff, down 85%, as frozen rebates, Musk’s political baggage, and provincial bans choke demand. EVs are still hot; Tesla just isn’t on the invite list. Even Canada’s tired of Elon’s chaos kink. (More)

🪤 U.S. nukes scam syndicate behind $200M ‘pig butchering’ spree. Treasury slapped sanctions on Funnull, a shady Philippines outfit accused of arming crypto con artists with malware, spoof sites, and fake romance pipelines. Victims lost $150K a pop, Funnull made scamming turnkey. This wasn’t fraud, it was infrastructure. (More)

🚕 Patent trap springs on Uber over rideshare DNA. Uber’s core biz may be built on stolen code. Carma Tech is suing for patent infringement on the very bones of ridesharing - matchmaking riders and cars. If they win, Uber owes royalties or gets shut down. Sixty other copycats could be next. (More)

🧨 Trump aims to shut China’s backdoor to banned tech. The administration’s cooking up a new rule to hit Chinese companies’ subsidiaries if they’re 50% owned by blacklisted firms. It’s a direct strike at loopholes fueling China’s chip surge, with CXMT and SMIC in the crosshairs. Geneva talks? Already torched. (More)

💸 Chime preps IPO at half its 2021 valuation. Once crowned with a $25B price tag, Chime is heading to the Nasdaq at around $11B. The fintech’s revenue’s up, losses are shrinking, but its reliance on interchange fees and stiffer Cash App competition have investors squinting. (More)

🤷‍♂️ Whatever

🌬️ NY pipeline projects rise from the grave. Gov. Hochul’s shift on two gas pipelines hands Trump a quiet win and throws a wrench in New York’s climate-first playbook. (More)

✈️ Southwest ditches free bags, open seating for $4B payday. Assigned seats and bag fees are coming to Southwest. The airline’s shedding its quirks to chase billions in profits and Wall Street applause. (More)

💊 CVS fights to keep owning pharmacies it sets prices for. Arkansas banned PBMs from running pharmacies, calling out price-gouging and rigged access. CVS and Express Scripts are suing to keep the racket alive. (More)

🛢️ EOG drops $5.6B to drill Ohio into a new oil empire. Shale titan EOG is snapping up Encino to turn Ohio’s Utica into its next Permian. The oil play just got serious. (More)

🛒 Costco borrows from Sam’s Club to speed up checkout. The wholesale giant is testing Scan & Pay tech to cut lines and boost digital membership use. Faster exits, fewer cashier stares. (More)

🦠 Trump admin axes Moderna bird flu deal, dumps mRNA prep. A $600M pandemic contract is toast as RFK Jr.-backed health officials scrap Moderna’s bird flu vaccine over “ethical concerns.” Experts call it reckless. (More)

💥 Thailand boots five crypto giants for going rogue. Bybit, OKX, CoinEx and friends just got blacklisted by Thai regulators for operating without a license. Traders have until June 28 to bail. (More)

📜 Cursed Wisdom

🧯 Send Help (to Others)

Be a hero. Save someone from the soul-crushing boredom of mainstream news.
Hit forward. Share the chaos. Perform CPR, the metaphorical kind, obviously.
We’ll even reward you. Eventually. Probably. But don’t do it for the prize. Do it because you’re a good person. Or at least want to look like one.